My Wonderland

The title says it all; those are all my current feelings. It’s finals week. There is some irony behind it all. For those who don’t know what happened on Wednesday, I shared a story with a large group of possibly 200 or more people. I felt a sharp pain before giving out this story.

The next day, I found out that a close friend of mine died that very same night I gave that story. It was a good thing to find out that it was AFTER my classes and lunch. However, I felt detested and hurt. I was upset. I cried. I bawled. I did not get to scream. I want to so badly, but I learned that screaming doesn’t play an affect anymore. I wallowed.

I took 4 finals. I FEEL NO CONFIDENCE IN ANY OF THEM WHATSOEVER. Hopefully, I can pull myself together and beast the last two finals I have this coming week. All I want to do right now is to figure out these pondering questions I have for myself:

How do you move on from grief in a fresh new pair of eyes? Should or do I grieve alone or go to friends who I just met? What do you do? What will you do when you found out a friend, family, or a pet passed away? How do you deal with the feelings of pain, anger, sad, and lost? Who do you go to? What do you do? In what state do I have to be in order to continue to understand everything? Who can save me? Who will give me answers? WHO CAN I GO TO? What do I do to make these feelings go away? What if I don’t want time to make things better?

I am ETERNALLY grateful, thankful, and happy of all my friends being supportive and loving, but I can’t help and feel apologetic to have them listen, witness, and find me in this state. They have helped me recover through the terrible things from last year, and my smile is back and brighter than it ever has been. I don’t want to disappoint and find myself in a lost state in front of them. I don’t want them to shun me out for feeling incredibly emotional.

Four weeks of vacation is too long for me to be alone. Where do I go from here?

This is a continuation of the previous post: Presents.

I want to add:

I’m not a very good speaker in general, so it’s hard for me to explain a lot at times. Whenever I feel a spark in my heart and urges me to do something incredible to show my love, joy, and happiness, it’s a way giving me the confidence to show my world what I want and love to do. I want to write out right now that these incredible people in my life and who has brought these people into my life is what drives me to do these things. I feel so joyful seeing everyone happy. I know if I ever feel or see anger, sadness, etc. I will feel the same and I want to be there for whoever needs someone—an ear, a shoulder—I rather hear words from you guys than others. I rather get to know someone this way and build a closer friendship. It’s my will and blessing from Someone to work through anybody and everybody. I really hope I continue to develop closer friendships through the open door I have for everyone in my life right now. I hope I get to share my love, joy, and happiness of my heart to anyone willing to accept, appreciate, and reciprocate back.

What do you think when you receive a gift from a person you hardly know?
Why do you think you got a gift? How would you feel? What would your reaction be after you internally process who and why you got a gift? What are gifts to you?

I realize why I gave gifts today to people.

It may look like there’s intention in some peoples eyes. Answer: No. There is no intention. I didn’t give to receive something in return. I did this out of my heart. I did this to only show a better glimpse of who I am—to reveal who I was before I went into a cold, lonely, dark place.

Is a gift just only a gift? I don’t think so. I think it represents how a person feels and who the person is—more than what the outer appearance may seem to be like.

It may look just like generosity and appreciation. Answer: Sure. There is. For sure! However, there’s much more than just that.

I realized that there’s so much more when I gave these gifts to people today.

I gave them out of happiness, appreciation, and most importantly friendship.

Friendship has, have, and will be an important value in my life.

The gifts I gave people today shows more than generosity and appreciation in other people’s eyes. It shows how much I value each friend in my life. The gifts I gave today is a symbolic gesture of friendship—to strengthen bonds: friendship. Friendship is divine, lovely, and unique. I want to continue to surprise and show people what I love to do and who I am.

It’s a start. It’s a beginning. It’s me.

I had a great day. Relaxing. Fun. Nothing is more content than just those two combined in a day to be together with friends. Yet again, I am so thankful for being blessed by the new friends I have made. I haven’t felt this way since I don’t know, possibly my middle school years. They have brought the light and warmth I’ve missed in such a long time. It really was a journey of thoughts to the past. Always being happy, always smiling (with braces), always cheerful around others—nothing and nobody made me feel like those days until recently. I really am thankful that I have felt what I felt exactly back when I was in middle school; that warm feeling makes me feel great every night before I fall asleep into my dreams.

After they left, I laid in bed thinking, “Wow,” as I smiled warmly and couldn’t help notice my reflection when I checked my phone when I got a text from a friend. Thank you so much T-Dog, E.C., DJ Belly, and Lil’ M. I feel that I am slowly saving the sparks of fire in my heart. Without all of you, I don’t think it would have grown so strong within the past few weeks and made me feel so graceful, happy, and loving.

Quote(s) of the day (dedicated to each person and random order):

“A person is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.”

—Douglas Pagels

“A single rose can be my garden..a single friend, my world.”

—Leo Buscaglia

“The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.”

—Henry David Thomas

“But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.”

—William Shakespeare

I am so grateful and thankful to have met my apartment-mates and their friends, who have opened their lives gracefully for me to walk into. We have so much fun together and I am so deeply appreciative to have them as my friends. Thank you so much for being there for me these past few weeks already. I want to let them know how appreciative and how happy that they have made me feel. Thank you so much, Bros! <3 The first post of a new daily thing.

P.S. I hope they feel they are able to always talk to me and feel the same way…

Quote of the day (which is a quote that may or may not be repetitive whenever I post):
”No one who achieves success does so without the help of others.
The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude.”
—Alfred North Whitehead